Are You The One?

If I could chronicle the feelings that I have for someone right now, the tale would never end. I somehow went from absolutely no romantic interaction for six years, to just enough to keep me thirsty in a very short period of time. I finally met someone that I really liked and his "situation" is keeping me at arm's length with him. Now, whether he believes it or not, his previous marriage has undoubtedly ruined him for any chance at a relationship with me. I could go for rounds with him to try and convince him that I'd be a good woman for him, but what would be the point if he's not ready to accept that? This is one of the pitfalls that women find themselves in far too often. We meet someone who seems to be what we want and we attach ourselves to him, knowing it may not even go anywhere.

Why do we put ourselves through such unnecessary turmoil? Why do I put myself through it? There are articles telling us the 7, 10, 30 and 102.463 ways to know we're the one, and we stupidly buy into that shullbit. The signs aren't some secret, subtle hints, but are very simple and damned near average actions; such as: meeting his family& friends, coming to you when he's feeling down, wanting to sit and watch TV with you when you're feeling less than sexy, and most shockingly: telling you that he wants a relationship with you. Yeah, I know. Men say things all the time, but if a man tells you that he wants a relationship, he means it. Not saying that he won't continue to wander and will be completely faithful and honest, but he wants you to be his "main." We, as women, tend to over-think where men are concerned, so here's my simple advice: Let 'em be men! If you've let someone know that you're interested in him, leave it at that. He'll do with it what he feels he needs to. Men are anxious where choosing companionship is concerned because contrary to popular belief, they have feelings. They have so much more at stake when they invest their hearts because only a few women will ever receive that special part of them. Women are emotional, but resilient, and if our hearts get broken, we usually learn from it and keep going. Men usually harden their hearts a little more and some of them even fall into the trap of being so non-trusting that they settle for a woman who is nowhere near being everything he wants just so he doesn't have to have his heart broken again. I know it sounds strange, and no, I haven't figured men out. They're just as, if not more, complicated than we are. I know women are just hardwired to behave a certain way when it comes to affairs of the heart (and I'm a Scorpio, so I have a double-dose), and telling a woman to let something go is like telling a rooster to lay an egg. It's not happening. We really have to be fed up or just simply let our hearts work through their own longings. I've been trying to convince myself for the past 5 months to let this guy go, and I even put him on a timeline (APRIL 24th BABY), but sometimes, I think God is looking at me and saying: You may feel like that's what you need to do, but do you really want to? And He's right. Do I really want to let this guy go? He's neither doing me any good nor harm in my life, but why do I continue to pray for someone to come along and distract me from him? If I know that I should leave him alone, should I need another man to come into my life to concede that point? I shouldn't, but I do. Why? Because as long as there is no one else in my life who can capture my heart the way that he did, he's going to remain in that capacity. Even after he's done with whatever he's going through, it doesn't mean that I'll be the one that he decides to turn to. We steer ourselves down this path, hoping that one day, the men that we want or love will wake up with the grandest of epiphanies, and pour out their hearts to us. Unfortunately, that's usually reserved for Hollywood.

So how do we ease the pain of not knowing whether we're the one or not? Is it pretending that we're a lot stronger than we are by quoting songs and scriptures? Is it going out and having a few drinks? Is it learning a new hobby? It's actually all of those things, but at the same time, letting your heart do what it does. If you have any connection with who you are as a person, you know that your heart knows how to heal itself. People discredit the heart, calling it deceitful, and such. What is deceitful is our minds trying to fool our hearts into not feeling. The joy we feel when thinking of someone we love, as well as the cry that we have over the unknown where that person is concerned is therapeutic and our hearts know it.

In all honesty, it's okay to want that man and to long for him because he may have made you feel like no one else in the world has been able to make you feel. But once you've laid your feelings out for him, and if you care, you have to trust in love enough to let him be. Chances are, he's taking everything that you've said to him, as well as your actions, into consideration. So, don't fret just because you feel like he didn't notice the dress, or the way you touched his hand. It doesn't mean he didn't. It's possible that you may have stayed on his mind the entire night, next day or even that week. He may come around, he may not. You may be the one, you may not, but when seeking true love, know that you're asking for something that is so rare and so deep that only the most patient of people can find it and only the most courageous of them can survive it...

Since I'm Not A Guy...

I know I've been going in on the guys a little bit, and I'd like to let you know that I'm not some weirded out feminist, a fiercely independent woman, and I'm definitely not a lezzie. Truth of the matter is, I LOOOOOVVVEEEE men! All kinds, too. But I really think there are some serious issues between men and women that have been caused by various miscommunications, ill-advised books, movies and articles, and we're just not separating fact from fiction or being upfront with what we want. For instance, so many women are sitting by themselves because they've read the Cosmo article that told them to play hard to get. And yet, some are in bad relationships because they read an article in RedBook that told them 'how to drive him crazy and make him want you." Driving him crazy unfortunately meant pulling all the stops up front and now you realize you had absolutely nothing in common with that guy except lust.

I have, occasionally approached a guy. I can't say that each time resulted in anything successful, but I can say that I left those guys with a lasting, positive impression. I'm first and foremost a Scorpio. I'm very true to my sign. I'm introverted, intuitive, jealous, but I'm also very passionate and loyal to those closest to me, so when I meet a man who interests me, whom I can possibly see having something meaningful with, I definitely make him feel like he's special to me. In case you haven't read, I wrote myself a love letter from the viewpoint of me being a man pursuing myself (If I Were A Guy). And it made me think: I'm getting on guys for not approaching me properly, but so many women are ruining guys by not letting them know how much they appreciate the ones they supposedly love. So why not? Why not write a letter to the man who's out there, anticipating, as I am, the moment we'll meet? Or even to the man I know is in a bad place out there with his woman, or one who's been hurt just to let him know that love is here for him if he so choses?

So, to the guy in the bad relationship, the one who's heart has been broken by divorce, the guy who's still clubbing because he's searching for an outlet to deal with the fact that he's lonely and for the guy who's just waiting for that perfect one, I'll tell you how I feel, and how men (especially those who are doing right by their women) should be treated:

Good morning Baby! Is that what you were greeted with when you woke up? If not, does she even bother to kiss you on your way out, wish you a wonderful day, or even make sure you have a decent, filling lunch? Or does she get up, complaining about you not giving her any money, not bothering to cook you breakfast, or nagging about you all having to go out with her friends later? And when you get home in the evenings, is there any sign of dinner being prepared? Does she wash your back while you're in the shower? Does she play video games with you, although she really can't? Does she even stay quiet long enough for you to watch a little sports? Does she make you feel the way Solomon would have felt with his Beloved when you make love?

See, I couldn't be satisfied with a man, who's taking great care of me, feeling less than...well, a man.

Could you hang out with your boys instead of my cackling friends and my overbearing mom? Absolutely. You could look at those other women, and some may even approach you, but you'd remember what would be waiting at home for you: The woman, who at any given time, will serve you breakfast in the heels you love. The woman who washes your hair and massages your shoulders. The woman who makes sure your kids' homework is right every evening. The woman who tells you to meet her at the hotel around the corner from your job for lunch...

And when we go out, would you be ashamed because I didn't know what to wear? Never. Because when we'd go out, I'd dress for YOU. From that sexy dress that you think makes me look like a "goddess," down to those underwear that kill me, but you love so much, is what I'd wear, all to make you the envied of wherever we'd decide to go.

And sure, I'd be able to hang that picture in the living room much better, but because I know you'd be so proud of it, I wouldn't belittle you. I'd hug you as if you'd figured out a way to end world hunger.

So you may lose your job or you won't get the promotion you thought you would, or you'd really like to try a new business venture. I'd be there to support you in any way possible. I'd know that you need me because I'd need you, and although I'll believe you can do anything you put your mind to, think of how much greater it could be if we'd accomplish it together.

You deserve to be respected and reminded that God sent you to me for a reason. He knew that I'd be the one you'd cherish because I'd help you fulfill the potential that's inside of you. I know that small things are really important, and we'd have our ups and downs, but you'd never ever have to wonder or worry that you've lost your place in my heart. My love would be to you like the rays of the sun, filling you with warmth with each beam.

All I'd ask of you would be honesty, respect and trust. I wouldn't ask you for anything that I wouldn't be willing to give myself, so all that I have would be yours. Given freely.

Right now, my heart, mind and spirit long for you. And the day that you decide you're ready to be loved unconditionally will be the day that my heart, mind and spirit depart me to dwell with you.

Since I don't have a man, I can only keep the love that I have bottled up inside of me, but to you ladies who have men and are not appreciating them the way that they deserve, wise up! If that man is doing his best to take care of you (and probably a kid he didn't father), don't run him into the ground. Be caring and nurturing. Don't wear sweats or have your friends over EVERY DAY he comes home from work. He likes for you to have on a cute shirt and lip gloss every now and then when gets home. Kiss him, hug him, let him know that you want him to have a good day, or if he had a bad day, let him know that he's at home with you and everything is okay. Be trusting, not foolish, but trust him, and let him know that you do.

I know what you're saying, "You're single, so you don't know." On the contrary, Miss. I DO know. Wanna know how I know? I, like a lot of other women, get to hear about the bad (or lack of) sexual encounters with you. We get to hear about the nagging, and the fact that you had your sister going out of town with you two even though you know she doesn't like your man. We get to hear about how he's had to cut out some of the things he likes, or even get a second or third job because you're going on spending sprees like he's Donald Trump. And unfortunately, sometimes, we (the GOOD women) have to fight your man off because we seem to be everything you're not. I can guarantee that some of your friends are even looking at the way you're treating him and not all of them are going to turn him away, so I urge you to appreciate him. If you don't, someone else will always be standing there waiting to take your place...

I'm Not Hating, I Just Don't Want To Be Bothered

Like most people, when I first joined Facebook, I was excited. I started finding all of those old classmates, thinking that, although I was a bit of a lone wolf at school, I could finally interact with those people who had opinions of me ranging from snobby to "of the Earth," on a more adult level.

And still, like most people, I posted, and I commented on posts, and I read posts, and I started remembering why I hated high school. It dawned on me that those people have not changed. And most of the ones who did change, didn't change for the better.

Like a lot of African-Americans, I went to an all-Black school, in an all-Black neighborhood where diversity was neither embraced, nor encouraged. Sure we couldn't help that the Whites, Asians, Hispanics, Indians, etc. weren't pouring into our little school system, but the school system or staff wasn't branching out to get us to learn about other cultures either. In a time where Polo, Nautica, and Tommy Hilfiger ruled the wardrobes of urban Black teens, that wardrobe was also the deciding factor in who was most popular.

Unfortunately, this is still going on, except, we're no longer using clothes to judge. We're using Facebook. Now, don't get me wrong. It's nigh impossible to dissociate oneself from people you've grown up around nearly your entire life without moving to another state. And, it's also good to be able to have familiar faces and best friends in your life; but there comes (or should come) a point in time where you'd think that hanging with the same posse and clique that you had in elementary, middle and high schools, church, juvie and the clinic gets old. But alas, it hasn't. See, I've figured these people out the same way I did in high school. As long as you're supporting them and their efforts, you're in. And by supporting them, I mean showing up at every single event they have, every single birthday party (and that's only IF they invite you), commenting or liking every single post they make, wiping their noses when they sneeze, changing their tires when they have a flat, wiping their a... Well, I'm sure you get it.

I'm all for supporting local businesses and artists, but I'm not, never have been and never will be an ass-kissing lemming.

Two weeks ago, I deactivated my Facebook page. I reactivated it shortly after, but have yet to post anything. I'm not really sure if I'd like to anymore, to be honest. The hoards and hoards of BS that show up in my newsfeed are not only annoying, but are really quite pathetic. We all have our ups and downs, but to post EVERY SINGLE EFFING up and down you have on the internet can totally make you appear bi-polar (and trust me, I've had my bi-polar moments on there as well, so don't think I'm not including myself). And then there's the matter of "the haters." I can't figure out why, for the life of me, everyone is hating on YOU. I think people actually have to know and acknowledge you exist in order to hate on you. Saying you have haters is like me giving you my two cents. It's an overused cliche' and just makes you only sound important.

So, let me break down all of these people for you:

The Facebook Preacher: The one who praises God every single morning, posts scriptures, but is complaining about their job, car, and saying !@&$! you, you !&@$#@ by noon, and talking about how much they're gonna drink and who they're gonna screw by 8 p.m.

The Hopeless Romantic: The guy/girl who talks every single day about how God is gonna bring them a mate, and the next day, they've found someone, and then two days later, love sucks, then...ugh

The Businessman/Woman: "I have an opportunity you can't refuse, come to my club for Happy Hour, erase your bad credit, I do hair, I'll mow your lawn, I'll make your toes curl..."

The Entertainers (mostly wannabe's): "I'm having a concert Friday night, I know I've sent you 6 invitations, but I'm sending three more. I think I can sing because I sounded good in the shower and made a few people shout at church, plus my homegirls/boys said I can sing and I have a few groupies (male and female)."

The Habitual Picture Poster & Clubber/Model (usually one in the same): "I was standing behind this chick in line at the store! Look at me in my new outfit! Watch me make silly faces (Silly faces make me appear more down to earth, right???)! Look at my butt in this dress! Look at me in the club with my bottle of Ciroc! Oh HELLZ YEAH! I'm about to get it in in VEGAS!!!"

The Two-FacedBook Friend: The "I know we didn't talk in school, and I may have even sent you a friend request, but I don't really like you" person; or the "Oh, look at me Facebook friends! I'm so jovial! Rejoice with me as I rejoice! (The next week) "Oh no, Facebook friends! I'm so sad :-( so I'm gonna tell you so you all can kiss my feet and make me feel better" person.

The Everybody's Friend Friend: "I have over 1000 friends on Facebook because although I may have only met you once, we're friends now, so I sent you a friend request. And since I probably have no friends in real life, I believe a thousand friends makes me look popular. "

The Official Facebook Anchor (Your trusted source for non-stop news, drama, traffic, etc.): "Look at this news article! Have you heard this song? What was Janet Jackson wearing on that show?!?!?! I need THESE shoes now! I'm broke as hell! What am I gonna eat for breakfast? What am I gonna eat for lunch? I shouldn't eat because I need to lose some weight. Oh wow! It's raining geese and turtles! I'm driving, and the traffic is sooooooooo bad! OMG! I just had an accident!!!"

The Facebook Pimp: "I saw you in my Mutual Friends list and thought you look good, so can I get to know you? And, I'm married, or I'm in a "situation" but I've always wanted to talk to you."

And last, but certainly not least, The Facebookiopath: "I'm miserable, or I'm a thug, or I'm just gonna post crazy sh*t on here just because I can and F*** you all if you don't like it!"

At least four of these types of people exist in your friends' list, so, to those people (normally devoid of any type of personality or character except on the internet) who have used Facebook as their outlet, I'm going to say to them what you all have probably wanted to say to them for at least three years: STFU! You'll never have a REAL relationship because you're a whiner! (How can you maintain one anyway if you're always on Facebook?) To you and your hype man/woman: No, you really CAN'T sing! Everyone is saying that pic is nice, but they're definitely not looking at your face... I could care less how long the line at McDonald's is. Glad that you're working out again, now stop posting from the treadmill! Please stop posting pics of your kids. They're not as cute as you think they are... If I wanted a sermon, I'd go to church, but I don't really need to because you've posted the entire Bible, complete with videos of gospel songs, haven't you? I wouldn't give you the time of day in person, so why do you think you have a better shot on Facebook? And lastly: Chances are, no one is hating on you! I, like everyone else in your friends' list, haven't seen you in 15 years. I didn't come to your show and won't be attending your party. I really just don't want to be bothered!!!