Why Toys Can Be Better Than Men (Sometimes)

I know, I know--the title struck some nerves, but the truth is, well, it's just the truth. I know people have mixed feelings about this. Some women can get into it, some can't, some think it's plain silly and some (usually those with an arsenal) just can't live without them.

Anyway guys, no offense, but this is strictly for the ladies right now (especially the single ones).

The top ten reasons why a vibe can be better than men (sometimes):

1. It not only looks good packaged. Once you take it home, you don't have to worry about it speaking and turning you off

2. If you're feeling un-pretty, if won't care

3. You won't mind if it doesn't date you first

4. If it makes you cry, it's usually a REALLY GOOD thing

5. You don't have to worry about your friends stabbing you in the back to get to test it out because you bragged on it

6. You'll never have to let it meet your folks (Con for this one: You could still feel embarrassed about it if they accidentally see it. Make sure you have a good exit strategy if something ever happens to you.)

7. You never have to worry about any uh-oh's i.e. unwanted pregnancies, STD's, etc.

8. You won't be disappointed if it only takes a minute

9. If it doesn't work, it's usually because its batteries are dead (unemployment or laziness is never a factor)

10. It's always up to the challenge--2, 3, 4, 5, 6 times in a row...

Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm an equal opportunist, so guys, don't fret. I'll get the ladies back on your behalf...

If I Were A Guy

My day started off wonderful yesterday, but for some reason, a series of events made it end on a sour note. They were minor, I'm sure, but to a hormonally charged woman, they were apocalyptic. It really all boiled down to a guy to be honest. As I sat on another Friday night, no date, no one to kick it with, no one to call, etc., I started having that "What's wrong with me?" feeling. And I thought longer and harder. There's nothing wrong with me. I made specific choices for myself that I follow--that I must follow; but it got some other gears turning. I say all day long that guys don't approach me, which is actually very inaccurate. Who approaches me is just not who I want. Nothing wrong with it at all (and if you've read "And so, we wait," you'll understand what I'm saying and how I actually feel). This all led me to the conclusion of how I'd react to myself if I were a guy. So I decided to write myself a love letter:

"Hello Love,

I hope this finds you well and blessed. I don't mean to be intrusive, but I saw you again today, and I must say I'm very intrigued. I knew that this is the right time and I must put my life on hold to tell you how you made me feel when I saw you, and to hopefully, find out who you are. I won't bore you with the same old cliched lines: "How you doin' baby? Can I get to know you? Where yo' man at? Tell me something about yourself." Instead, I can only ask: What have I done so right in my life that God has graced me with the eyesight to behold one of His greatest creations?

I saw you with a bit of a frown on your face and I know that if you were mine, you'd be smiling all the time. Even if you just thought about that silly thing that I did on our first date.

"He's too smooth and charming," you may be thinking and you're absolutely right. But not with an arrogance that makes me unbelievable; but with the confidence to let you know that I'm the man that can make you feel like no one else in the world exists.

If you were mine, I wouldn't put you on the shelf that you're obviously on. None of us are perfect, but any "situations" I had would be tossed aside. The women I was wasting countless hours with, the clubs that I've been hanging at, the failed marriage that I should be getting over, and even my boys would all take a backseat to you. You'd have my heart, my focus and my attention, completely.

Do you have children? If so, let me be the first to tell you how envious I am of your little one(s). To be blessed with such a mother whose grace and beauty is to be marveled, is to be cherished. I looked into your loving eyes, and saw the nurturing spirit that only a woman who knows that her love to her children is their greatest gift can possess. If you have none, there is no doubt in my mind that your children's spirits are in Heaven, rejoicing in anticipation at the thought of being loved and reared by you.

I could go on for years writing about your physical beauty, but I'm so much more concerned with your soul. You are, no doubt, physically endowed, but if it were not for what is inside of you, it would be all for naught. Your DNA is interwoven with not only human genetic material, but with God's love. That love has filled every cell of your body, causing an overflow that has been bestowed upon us. I want to get you to a point of where you are unafraid of unleashing your full potential on this world. You are a treasure. One that our dismal society can benefit from.

If I could go back in time, the Mona Lisa would be a portrait of you, the Taj Mahal would have been built in your honor, your face would on the bust of Nerftiti, and all of the songs and sonnets ever written would be in praises to you and your beauty.

As I close this letter to you, please understand that I have tried to speak as eloquently as possible to you, because you are deserving of such. Your face, and even the thought of you, has made me want to be a better person, through speech and action.

My hope is that someday, I will be able to earn your trust and express to you the bliss that I now have. I'll keep you in my prayers daily. Not a selfish prayer to let God bring us together for my benefit, but that you'll be safe and blessed in everything you do, and that everything you touch will succeed. And please pray for me as I go about my days, helpless and drunken with love.

I almost feel like each day that I'm not in your heart is a grim one, but I continue to get up, remembering the hope that I have in anticipation of seeing your face, for I know with which each day brings a new opportunity.

I hope I haven't bored you too much, and if you are the woman I believe you to be, you are more appreciative of this. Not of my words to you, but of the mere fact that you've helped to make someone's life better.

From the first day that I saw you, until the day that time ceases, you have my heart."

Pretty cheesy, I know, and not too many men are willing to (or are actually able to), express in Shakespearean grandeur, their love for a woman. But this is truly how I feel about myself. I'm worthy of such letters. I love spontaneity, and I love different and unique approaches, but the girlie-girl side of me craves romance every now and then.

If you're a man, try your best to be as romantic as possible with your woman. And if you're a woman, hopefully, the man that you desire (or even the one you have) graces you with spine-tingling romance at some point. I know I'm still hoping for mine...

The Problem With Preachers

How many times do we go to non-church events, only to find out that the keynote speaker for that event is Rev. So-and-So from Lovelight Missionary Full Gospel Baptist Faith Healers C.M.E. Apostolic Church of the Nazarene Lion's Den Deliverance Temple Ministries, Inc.? If you're anything like me, when I see "Rev." as the title for the speaker, I cringe. Preachers will somehow, someway, and are almost guaranteed, to turn a speech into a sermon. I haven't figured out, for the life of me, how the same, um...passion, that's shouted and rained down in showers of saliva from the pulpit, can be conveyed in a speech about volunteering, or a school music program, or even Sickle Cell Disease?

A terrible (and predictable) sequence of events leads to the speech turning into a sermon:

The message will begin smooth and his voice is calm and collected. The only audience feedback is nods of agreement. Suddenly, a rhetorical question is asked in a high-pitched voice, which then causes the audience to give verbal feedback (the "That's right!" and "Yes!"). After so many of these, the speaker then hunches his shoulders and has become animated, he begins to stutter his words, the decibels have increased, and pulls out a handkerchief to wipe his brow. By this time, the audience is now clapping after every statement and the one lady in the audience has started mimicking the last two or three words of every remark he makes. {Houston, we have lift off.} The speaker hears this, and he turns into the grunting, rockin' n' reelin, high-fiving, Minnie Riperton whistle registering, jaw-jerking showman that he is EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY.

50% of the audience (probably some members of his own congregation) is with him all the way. Standing up, clapping, shouting--the works. 25% of the audience (mostly members of some church) knew what was going to happen and stopped listening after the rhetorical question. 24% of the audience is trying to figure out why do they feel bad about not going to church for the past six months after they've just heard a sermon on school textbooks, and the final 1% just had a united WT-- moment.

And you'd think it stops at the speech, but if there's food served, you know that it has to be blessed, and if there is another minister present, guess who blesses the food? You guessed it! Not to be outdone by the good Reverend, this minister decides to quote and re-quote how Jesus is our daily bread, and how God let the ravens feed Elijah, and how Jesus fed the multitude. He blesses the hands of the cooks, the servers, the stomachs of everyone eating, the utensils so they'll cut and hold the food properly, the beverages to wash down the food, the food so that the really fattening and sweet meal that has been prepared won't give us "sugar diabetes," high blood pressure, and won't make our gout flare up. After a few minutes, a little old lady is passed a piece of bread because her sugar is low, a little old man with a walker has to sit down (if he was standing), and several toddlers are banging their heads on the floor because they're delusional from starvation.

Don't get me wrong, I love to hear good speakers and it's natural for a man of the cloth to see the spirituality in everyday life; but as a Christian, I'd rather hear sermons from the pulpit, not at a formal Christmas gathering (complete with line-dancing) that's being held at a storefront.

My plea is one that everyone will appreciate. If you're organizing an event, that won't be held at church, that frankly, has nothing to do with religion, think long and hard before you pick a speaker. If it is a minister, be sure that it's one you've heard before (preferably in different settings), and you're not following the advice of Sis. Johnson who is the Committee President for the Women's Ministry of Helps Auxiliary Committee at Lovelight Missionary Full Gospel Baptist Faith Healers..blah..blah..blah... If you're a minister who has been invited to an event, please be mindful of your audience and where the event is taking place. Most people, especially ones with low insulin levels, have had hip replacement surgery and have toddlers, won't want to hear a full sermon while attending a luncheon to raise awareness for our decreasing bee population sweating it out under a tent in 90 degree weather.

I don't think it's too much to ask. A lot of people, especially the knot-headed toddlers, will thank you.

The Beach

I wrote this a while back. My friends know that I've been uprooted from the element that I created for myself , and part of that element was the beach. I spent so much time there, things were occurring and I finally noticed that they were actually common place. So these are a few (mostly humorous) observations I made while there:

(07/25/09)

1. Homeless, gold-toothed bogans will bother you at 6:45 a.m.

2. Salt water burns.....period

3. It's good to have a beach-specific playlist

4. Crabs will throw sand at you (not sure if they can actually help it or not)

5. Whoever coined the term "beach body" should be dug up, shot and re-buried

6. Real women wear bikinis (even if they top out at 300 lbs)

7. Sunrise really is the best time to go to the beach

8. Surfers and life guards are sexy even if they're not in Cali

9. Some dogs should never be allowed in public

10. Old ladies will get together and kick your ass if you try to mess with their belongings

11. America really does run on Dunkin' (I have yet to find a more refreshing iced coffee drink)

12. No matter your fitness level: jog. You may be going nowhere fast, but because you're on the beach, you'll look good getting there

13. The beach has a self-maintained lifestyle of its own and it's one of the coolest things I've ever witnessed

14. Any song by Sade, Jill Scott, Chicago or Steely Dan sounds good against crashing waves (as does Human Nature (MJ) and Summertime Rolls (Janes Addiction)

15. A sea turtle is not a mere water-dwelling reptile, but is actually a four-wheeled vehicle used for beach patrol

16. It took me wayyyyyy too long to realize the beach is therapeutic (especially if you're born under a water sign)

17. Sea gulls are ruthless and pigeons don't stand a chance against them (neither do toddlers walking around with food in their hands)

18. Sleeping on the beach with a booze-filled cooler trumps any visit to a quack psychologist

19. People who jog or ride their bikes with their dogs in tow should be tied up to their own cars and made to keep up

20. Water giveth and water taketh away....

and finally

21. Growing old (especially with someone you love) is a very beautiful thing

Real Sex...

Does Men's 'Bond' with Porn Ruin Them for Real-Life Sex?

I read on article on Time.com about how men's expectations of sex may be ruined by pornography and I had no choice but to comment on this for some reason. If anyone knows me, they know that I'm an advocate for the REAL woman, which means I believe in the female body in its most natural form. Our society has been plagued by images of women as Barbies, the Lady Gaga's, the Beyonce's, the Angelina's, etc. Women are putting themselves through hell (and have even died) to look like these women because unfortunately, all of us have either not separated reality from fantasy, or we think that looking like them, talking like them, dressing like them will make us better candidates for getting a man. Truth is, after all of the effort we've put into looking like them, we find out that our ideal man is perhaps into something different altogether, especially when it comes to finding something long-term.

All of us don't have bodies that are just immune to fat, so we have to workout extra hard, watch our carb, sugar, fat, sodium, maybe even water intake (if we're really unlucky); and then some of us, like me, just kind of let go. I'm definitely not the same size I used to be in high school, and frankly, I wouldn't care to be, but all of us haven't gotten to the point of being accepting of who we are yet. We consistently obsess over our looks, hair, and weight. And God-forbid a new trend that men go crazy over comes out. We get confused all over again.

Back to the subject though. So many people have so many different opinions about porn, but the reality is, it's always going to be part of our society. A lot of people won't admit to watching it, but hey, just like it's their right to watch it, it's their right to deny watching it as well. So, is it ruining men's expectations from their partners? Yes, and no. The same way a woman with a toy dependency may have her expectations altered. Men with actual addictions (or ridiculous self-esteems) seem to be the ones with the problems. They look at images of sometimes beautiful women (let's face it, the porn industry is not all about facial features) with these average-looking guys, doing things that would make the Marquis de Sade blush, and they think they're actually entitled to the same. They neglect to remember that those people are getting paid based on the shortcomings of people like them.

In my humble opinion, I think average men who believe women should be like porn stars, should get to be with one at least once. That way they'll see that a good percentage of pornography is truly acting. A woman (excuse the vernacular) getting banged by two, three and four men in several orifices can't possibly feel like a champ every single time. She took it, but I guarantee her paycheck was on her mind throughout the ordeal. On top of that, the average man won't have the necessary stamina for a porn star, mainly because one sequence may take a week to shoot. And do you know any men who can have sex for 168 hours straight? I dang sure don't. It's not to say that all women do their parts in keeping their men interested, but that's a completely different topic that could go on for ages; but men would see that their expectations were completely blown out of proportion.

In short, we really have be careful of who we place labels on. Some men watch it, use it as a tool and keep going with their lives. On the other hand, some men watch it, watch it some more, and become addicted to it, and I believe the skewed realities, unrealistic expectations and compromised libidos are signs of those addictions.

So, does porn spoil the expectations of real-life sex for men? Absolutely--maybe...

If you go before me...Pt.1

We never wish death on anyone, but we all have friends, family members, loved ones, etc. who have certain items in their possession that get underneath our skin (or that we secretly covet). There's one family member, in particular, that I plan to clean house on if she goes before me.

This is for you, Auntie Helen. If you go before me, I'm throwing away:

That egg pan with the creepy-looking chicken on it

All of your bleach-spotted clothes

That white rocking chair that has been supporting a dead potted plant

Everything in the spare bedroom

The perfume that smells like the sweat from a baboon's nards

That TV that started smoking in 2000, but hasn't worked since 1997
The TV in the kitchen that you never turn on

The whole wine rack sitting in the den that has everything but wine on it

Your Jitterbug is kaput

The Christmas candy that you've had since, well, probably since candy was invented

All of the clothes that you held on to because you don't "understand why you can't fit them anymore"

The 4 garbage cans that are sitting in one room that have no garbage in them

The folding tables that are plaguing the house

The computer powered by molasses (that may still be running DOS and with a monitor that's emitting enough radiation to power one city block)

The shot glass that you use to take your medicine

The tattered gift bag that holds your medicine

The cactus that flatlined ages ago (who kills a cactus?)

Those house shoes that may still be light blue somewhere underneath the muck

Everything that I THINK you bought off of QVC or HSN

The broken, dead phone that's just off the hook...

The mop that has probably never been dipped in a bucket of water--ever...

The several sets of unused Tupperware

Oh, not to mention the empty Country Crock tubs

Four of your five Christmas trees

The toilet in the half bath

The sink in the half bath

The towels in the half bath...How about I just tear the half bath down and start from scratch???

All the cans of beans and potted meat that could only be consumed by someone with compromised taste buds

The refrigerator that sounds like an ATV

The lamp with no shade

ALL OF YOUR HAT BOXES--Haven't seen you wear a hat since 2008

The heated windshield scraper that doesn't have a car to go with it

Your handmade Vacation Bible School refrigerator magnets

And last but not least, the recliner, and the fishing chair that replaced it, that sits in the den. You've never been fishing, you don't sit outside, and you don't even like animals.

I could think of more, but if I take inventory, I'd realize that the whole house will probably be on the chopping block.

Forever Young

Genetically speaking, we were all blessed in many different ways. Some of us have maintenance-free bodies, hair and nails that grow to there, flawless skin, perfect teeth that upset dentists, etc. People tell me, albeit exaggerated, that I look younger than what I truly am. Since we've sometimes tried to make ourselves older than what we truly are, I've come up with a few tips that I actually practice to keep myself feeling young.

Here they are in no particular order:

Skip, instead of walking to your destination sometimes.

Sing in the shower.

Sing while driving.

When you go to a spa, don't be ashamed to undress fully. You're paying for the services so they CAN'T laugh at you.

Eat a piece of your favorite candy (or blow bubbles with bubble gum in a crowded area) every now and then.

Laugh at yourself before laughing at anyone else.

Hell, just laugh anyway. A few wrinkles in your face is a small price to pay for a healthy heart.

Play video games even if you have poor hand/eye coordination.

Dance to your favorite song over and over (or to no music at all), especially before going to work.

Try to hug someone at least once a day, and if you have no one to hug, hug yourself.

Make every attempt you can to feel the sand or grass between your toes.

Drink your non-alcoholic beverages from a beer mug, wine, or champagne glass. It just makes you FEEL like you're doing something grownup for some reason.

Read a favorite book from your childhood.

Watch a cartoon once in a while (news, and unfortunately, reality shows, are here to stay, so take a break from the drama).

Spend time with your parents, grandparents or other elders. It's a bit hard to not feel young around people who are at least 20 years your senior.

Do something you were always afraid to do as a kid (even deviant behavior like mooning someone, TP'ing a house, and streaking and skinny dipping count).

Don't ever be afraid to get really, really dirty. I'm talking, having to take your shoes and clothes off at the door, not touching anything in the house but the shower, dirty.

Have a sleepover with your friends, especially in a hotel, and play pranks on the staff, patrons and each other (without getting arrested, of course).

Smile at a perfect stranger. It'll make you feel good and could quite possibly save someone's life.

Take a day to do absolutely nothing...

And so, we wait

Over the course of my adult life, and especially my time back in Alabama, I've had many guys express amazement by the fact that I'm single. They always ask what's wrong with me, and some even go so far as to call me selfish or picky. But why do I choose to wait and stay single? Like a lot of women (and MOST men), I'm actually not waiting for the "perfect" person. Just for the one who's perfect for ME. Not the guy who believes he can give me everything in the world to make me happy, not the one my friends or family says is a good catch, not the 6'5" athlete, the six-figure man, and not the guy who I just know is going "somewhere." Women can be content with the guy who picks up her garbage, the bartender who made her favorite drink just right, the short man, the guy with the least amount of charisma, or even the average guy who just made her laugh. So is it true? Does everyone deserve a chance? Absolutely! Just not always from the people we believe we deserve them from. As painful as it is, I have to admit and accept (probably more than anyone, especially at this very moment), that I'm not every man's type, nor his fantasy, nor his "one," no matter how much I've been told it by others. As someone who's been on both ends, and have yet to be in an actual relationship in my adult years, being single (and sometimes alone) is something that I've reluctantly embraced. So, I'll continue to wait. Maybe not as patiently as I should, but I'm willing to do it. So, I challenge you to ask yourself, are you willing to say no and walk alone for a while longer? Or are you willing to let go of a person who has decided to wait and not become offended by the rejection, or will you be selfish, and possibly a hindrance, by trying to make them see how you could be their "good" thing? My advice is to bow out gracefully. I know, easier said than done, but it could very well be your blessing in disguise.