We never wish death on anyone, but we all have friends, family members, loved ones, etc. who have certain items in their possession that get underneath our skin (or that we secretly covet). There's one family member, in particular, that I plan to clean house on if she goes before me.
This is for you, Auntie Helen. If you go before me, I'm throwing away:
That egg pan with the creepy-looking chicken on it
All of your bleach-spotted clothes
That white rocking chair that has been supporting a dead potted plant
Everything in the spare bedroom
The perfume that smells like the sweat from a baboon's nards
That TV that started smoking in 2000, but hasn't worked since 1997
The TV in the kitchen that you never turn on
The TV in the kitchen that you never turn on
The whole wine rack sitting in the den that has everything but wine on it
Your Jitterbug is kaput
The Christmas candy that you've had since, well, probably since candy was invented
All of the clothes that you held on to because you don't "understand why you can't fit them anymore"
The 4 garbage cans that are sitting in one room that have no garbage in them
The folding tables that are plaguing the house
The computer powered by molasses (that may still be running DOS and with a monitor that's emitting enough radiation to power one city block)
The shot glass that you use to take your medicine
The tattered gift bag that holds your medicine
The cactus that flatlined ages ago (who kills a cactus?)
Those house shoes that may still be light blue somewhere underneath the muck
Everything that I THINK you bought off of QVC or HSN
The broken, dead phone that's just off the hook...
The mop that has probably never been dipped in a bucket of water--ever...
The several sets of unused Tupperware
Oh, not to mention the empty Country Crock tubs
Four of your five Christmas trees
The toilet in the half bath
The sink in the half bath
The towels in the half bath...How about I just tear the half bath down and start from scratch???
All the cans of beans and potted meat that could only be consumed by someone with compromised taste buds
The refrigerator that sounds like an ATV
The lamp with no shade
ALL OF YOUR HAT BOXES--Haven't seen you wear a hat since 2008
The heated windshield scraper that doesn't have a car to go with it
Your handmade Vacation Bible School refrigerator magnets
And last but not least, the recliner, and the fishing chair that replaced it, that sits in the den. You've never been fishing, you don't sit outside, and you don't even like animals.
I could think of more, but if I take inventory, I'd realize that the whole house will probably be on the chopping block.
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